My Own Personal List of 7 Relationship Red Flags

1. He is really pumped about the PetSmart gift certificate that he is giving his sister for Christmas. Call me shallow, or materialistic, but I put alot of thought into giving people gifts that are original and that they are really going to like, and while gift cards are sometimes a great option, for a sibling that you are close in age to, and have a good relationship with, more thought should go into it. And if that's what he's getting for his sister, you can look forward to saying "he went to Jared" every time that he hands you a jewelry box.



2. He tells you that he loves you after dating you for two weeks. And you go to all-girls boarding school and have only actually ever seen him in person 3 times.



3. All of his friends are REALLY excited that you are making out with him. This means that girls very rarely ever talk to him, so he will probably be fairly awkward, and not very good at making out. It may also mean that he is really nice and had a mean ex-girlfriend, or that he owns Google, and hasn't had time to meet many ladies, but still, proceed with caution on this one.



4. He makes you listen to "Son of a Preacher Man" on repeat while yelling " I love Aretha", even though Dusty Springfield sings that song. If he follows this up by teaching you magic tricks with a deck of cards - RUN!!!



5. You are standing in his kitchen, looking a poem he wrote with magnetic poetry on his fridge and you realize that there are intense gay undertones in his poetry. You look over to tease him about it, and he is eating a hotdog. If this boy ever does make out with you, I can promise that it will end with you getting dry humped in a pair of men's sweatpants, which will be one of the least pleasant experiences of your life.



6. He asks you where you "summer", knows how expensive your outfit is, and wears a blazer with a pocket square at all times. This young man is probably a narcissistic snob at best, and a Patrick Bateman wannabe with a chainsaw collection in his closet at worst. Both options are pretty bleak if you ask me.



7. He has mysterious piles of $20 bills lying around his apartment. This could mean a couple of things, first that is a really generous tipper at the strip club, second, that is a very successful drug dealer, third that he witnessed a mafia crime and this is his hush money or fourth, that he is in the process of pulling off some Thomas Crown Affair-esque crime and may want you to run away to a tropical island with him sometime soon where he will buy you innapropriately see-through dressed and take you dancing, but ultimately break your heart.