More Disturbing Than a Centipede Marrying an Elephant

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGObGID6Cr4

Why Is Everyone So Excited....

That Jessica Simpson is back wearing Daisy Dukes?? I know that they are much more flattering than those mom jeans that sent everyone into a tizzy, but really?? Daisy Dukes?? And a bustierre??? With a plaid shirt?? I'm sorry, but since when did country singers in their 20's have to dress like they were in a Maxim spread about "Southern Belles" or something like that, and wear the smallest, sluttiest versions of cliched "country" clothing? Has anyone noticed that Carrie Underwood and Taylor swift are both JUST as fashionable, and often more conservative than their pop-music counterparts? To be a country star, you DON'T have to dress like your character in the Dukes of Hazzard J-Simp!!! And who is your stylist these days?? I would like to have some words with them.

Pineapple Express Kind of Sucked but.....

... I really really love James Franco. And this picture has convinced me even more of what Barney Stinson would describe as his "awesomeness." Anyone want to start hanging around the NYU library with me??

Why I hate Deanna Pappas

I'm not embarrassed that  my list of "shows that I DVR and watch when my roommates are at work" includes "The Bachelor." So, everyone was all in a tizzy about "The Bachelor" last week, since that d-bag Jason Mesnick proposed to Melissa, dumped her, and got back together with Molly all on the finale night. While Jason is officially the asshole of the whole thing there is one person who I hold personally responsible for the whole thing, that everyone else seems to be forgetting - DEANNA!!!!! Why has no body commented on that heart-breaking, Jesse-hurting troll with THE WORST BLINKING PROBLEM I HAVE EVER SEEN, showing up, and basically telling him not to pick Molly but to pick Melissa because she regretted not picking him??!?!!? Clearly, he was going to pick Molly, and only changed his mind because that whorebag showed up and hypnotized him with her constantly blinking eyelids and faux-southern accent (all the same things that got him to propose to her in the first season)!!!!! It almost makes me want a blinking problem if you can use it to ruin your ex-boyfriends life....hmmmm.....

My Own Personal List of 7 Relationship Red Flags

1. He is really pumped about the PetSmart gift certificate that he is giving his sister for Christmas. Call me shallow, or materialistic, but I put alot of thought into giving people gifts that are original and that they are really going to like, and while gift cards are sometimes a great option, for a sibling that you are close in age to, and have a good relationship with, more thought should go into it. And if that's what he's getting for his sister, you can look forward to saying "he went to Jared" every time that he hands you a jewelry box.



2. He tells you that he loves you after dating you for two weeks. And you go to all-girls boarding school and have only actually ever seen him in person 3 times.



3. All of his friends are REALLY excited that you are making out with him. This means that girls very rarely ever talk to him, so he will probably be fairly awkward, and not very good at making out. It may also mean that he is really nice and had a mean ex-girlfriend, or that he owns Google, and hasn't had time to meet many ladies, but still, proceed with caution on this one.



4. He makes you listen to "Son of a Preacher Man" on repeat while yelling " I love Aretha", even though Dusty Springfield sings that song. If he follows this up by teaching you magic tricks with a deck of cards - RUN!!!



5. You are standing in his kitchen, looking a poem he wrote with magnetic poetry on his fridge and you realize that there are intense gay undertones in his poetry. You look over to tease him about it, and he is eating a hotdog. If this boy ever does make out with you, I can promise that it will end with you getting dry humped in a pair of men's sweatpants, which will be one of the least pleasant experiences of your life.



6. He asks you where you "summer", knows how expensive your outfit is, and wears a blazer with a pocket square at all times. This young man is probably a narcissistic snob at best, and a Patrick Bateman wannabe with a chainsaw collection in his closet at worst. Both options are pretty bleak if you ask me.



7. He has mysterious piles of $20 bills lying around his apartment. This could mean a couple of things, first that is a really generous tipper at the strip club, second, that is a very successful drug dealer, third that he witnessed a mafia crime and this is his hush money or fourth, that he is in the process of pulling off some Thomas Crown Affair-esque crime and may want you to run away to a tropical island with him sometime soon where he will buy you innapropriately see-through dressed and take you dancing, but ultimately break your heart.

The Top 10 Fictional Characters I Would Like to be My Valentine

1. Logan Echolls (aka Jason Dohring) from "Veronica Mars". Logan and I would start the day with me asking him for an inappropriate favor in the hallway followed by a makeout session in the girls bathroom. I would then leave first while he watched me leave and exhaled dramatically because I am such a firecracker. After that I would find out something about him that I would misinterpret and assume that he had murdered my best friend, and stand him up for our date. When he approached me about it later, I would run away out of fear that he was a killer, and then later when I found out it wasn't really him, but was his best friend/dad/cousin/lab partner, and after the mystery had been solved, I would apologize and make out with him in his yellow Nissan X-Terra that had it's headlights knocked out by a motorcycle gang earlier in the night. Also, at one point he would give me the "I thought our story was epic" speech from the prom episode in season 2.
2. Landon Carter (aka Shane West) in "A Walk To Remember". Our Valentine's Day would involve me singing mildly religious songs in evening gowns while he looked at me like he was about to burst into flames because I am so beautiful, talented, spiritually rich and good at singing. After that he would drive me around in his muscle car and defend my honor against school bullies while making all of my wishes come true, however it would be my actual wishes such as "making out with someone famous," for which he would be Shane West, not his fictional character.
3. Logan Bruno from "The Babysitter's Club." Logan and I would have lunch together in the cafeteria at Stonybrook Middle School, and the other girls in the BSC would tease me, especially Kristy, because she's never had a boyfriend. Oh, and I would be wearing leggings with an oversized button-down shirt and a really cool baggy vest over it. After school I would have to go my BSC meeting, but then he and I would babysit the Barrett kids together (my favorites!) and when he was walking me home afterwards and take out the Valentine he had made me with the Barretts when I wasn't looking! I would blush, but not as much as I blushed later when he kissed me on the cheek at my front door! And gosh, I would be glad my dad wasn't watching!
4. Ned the Piemaker from "Pushing Daisies." While Ned and I would not be able to touch since he had already brought me back from the dead and touching me again would kill me forever, we would wear bee-keeping suits and spoon for most of the day, except for the part where we solved a mystery and thought for a second that the other one should be with someone who could touch them, but then realized that kissing through cellophane and dh-ing in bee keeper suits with each other is better than really kissing or doing it with someone else.
5. Nick Mercer (aka Dermot Mulroney) in "The Wedding Date." First of all, I would not completely be his fictional love interest in this, because Debra Messing's character wears colors and styles of clothing that are heinous on her such as a ruby red strapless dress. However, I would make out with him in a tacky golf outfit, and I would especially ravage him on a boat in my driveway while Maroon 5 plays in the background. I also really hope that I would remember it in the morning, unlike Debra Messing, however knowing my track record, it would probably be a bit blurry at best.
6. Charlie Conway (aka Joshua Jackson) from "The Mighty Ducks." Now, in this particular reality, Charlie and I would be the same age, which is about 13. We would be on the same team, and spend our day getting ready for the hockey championships with the rest of the Ducks, and right before the game he would give me some kind of adorable adolescent good luck token, which I would wear under my uniform. The game would come down to one final foul shot that I had to make to win the game, and I would put my hand on the good luck token, then start skating, make the shot and win the game!!!!!!!!!! After the team had congratulated me, Charlie would ask me to be his girlfriend, and then right after I said yes, we would look over and his mom would be making out with Coach Bombay!!! And we would all go back to Charlie's house and eat Chinese take out and laugh around their kitchen table!
7. Legolas (aka Orlando Bloom) in "The Lord of the Rings." Now Orlando Bloom is someone that I really only like when he's in costume as Legolas. Otherwise I find him kind of scrawny and greasy looking. Also, he has no fictional love interest in LOTR. However, as this fictional character, I would want him to take me to Rivendale and give me some kind of magical object as a gift while he looks fiercely around him to see if any ogres are on their way. Then we would ride horses on the plains with our matching blonde hair streaming behind us, maybe have some funny banter with Gimli, and then we would make out under a waterfall and I would find out why his hands are so quick with a bow. It would be, in a word, magical.
8. King Leonidas (aka Gerard Butler) in "300." Honestly, if you have seen this movie, you know what I want to do with him on Valentine's Day. And I wouldn't mind if he was really sweaty and dirty and maybe even had a little bit of blood on his perfectly defined warriors body while we did it. Need I say more?
9. Ari Gold (aka Jeremy Piven) in "Entourage." I have always had a thing for Jeremy Piven, mainly because he kind of reminds me of my high school boyfriend, but also because he is unapologetically an asshole. Our day wouldn't have to involve much, I would really love to spend it having him yell at me, and tell me that he can't make it to see me because something is going on with Vince, only to have me yell at him and have him come home and let ME be the boss.
10. Pike (aka Luke Perry) from the movie version of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." Now, I wouldn't really see Pike during the day because I would be a high school being annoyed with all of my shallow friends who don't realize there are vampires loose. However, once night fell I would find myself getting attacked by vamps on my way to our date and having him rescue me on his motorcycle, however not before I rip the bottom of my dress off to make it short and sassy. We would then end up holed up in his dirty apartment, and right as we are about to make out, get attacked again. We would win, and then FINALLY we would make out. There would also be a part where I make a joke about his manhood with a hotdog, just for good measure.

The Top 10 Reasons Why I Absolutely, Positively Should Have a Blog

1. I am really good at watching TV. When I say that, I don't mean that I have great taste in high-brow, critically acclaimed or popular shows, or that I watch an abnormal amount of TV. In fact I like a huge range of shows, from super-trashy to shows that are too smart and get cancelled. The reality is that I am highly skilled at not only predicting the ends to shows, but also flipping between shows with perfect timing. I can recognize actors from the smallest parts on the most obscure of shows and as a result, get the most out of every show that I watch.
2. I have been drinking since I was 13. Now many people would say that this is a terrible thing, that probably robbed me of my innocence, put me at higher risk for being an alcoholic, etc. The reality is that I have many more years of funny drinking-related stories than most people, and somehow have still continued to top myself into my adulthood.
3. I am a straight-up teenybopper and lover of pop music. My middle school crush was on Jeff Timmons of 98 Degrees, and I went to the Hannah Montana 3-D concert last weekend. I do enjoy other kinds of music, and my dad was the tour manager for several famous rock bands back in the 70's, so my knowledge extends beyond the Top 40. However, when it comes to the pop world, I am basically an expert.
4. I am a closet nerd. I love Lord of the Rings, books about dragon riders, and read the last three Harry Potter books within 24 hours of their release. My family's favorite games when I was a kid were Risk and Hero Quest, and when I see previews for most kids movies I want to see them more than most other people in their 20's that don't go to comic book conventions.
5. Someone needs to speak up for the underdog. I think that a majority of the blogs that I read are obsessed with and idolize the wrong people. For example, while I think that Angelina Jolie is a wonderful mother that has adorable children, I can't forget the fact that she is a homwrecker. I also think that she is a little bit too "I'm so thin and saving the world and adopting all of the worlds orphans and looking down my nose at everyone who buys into pop culture and cares about Britney Spears' breakdowns even though they are the reason I can sell pictures of my children to tabloids for millions of dollars," and I think that if I had to choose between being friends with her or Jennifer Aniston, I would pick Jen. We would go on long walks on the beach, play with dogs, smoke a little bit, eat some really yummy organice Mexican food and babysit Coco Arquette. Doesn't that sound like more fun than wearing all black and talking about world poverty constantly?
6. I am in my 20's and living in New York City. I am not a struggling artist, I am not some wildly successful investment banker, however my life is fairly ridiculous at times, and I have friends living fairly ridiculous lives all over the country!
7. I am an amazing online stalker. While it is not the healthiest habit, it really comes in handy when you are going on a first date, checking out someone applying for a job at your company, or trying to piece together all of the crucial details about the boy that you talked for several hours before taking him home, but were too blackout too remember any of them.
8. My dating and makeout past is unrivaled. I have dated a gangster who went to juvie two months after we dated at summer camp, a boy who told me that he loved me after 2 weeks, the red headed commander of a battalion at a military college, and one time made a boy stop making out to watch "the best part of Sister Act."
9. My family is in the poultry industry. While this may not seem particularly interesting, it has provided me with an entire set of reference points that most pople could not even imagine.
10. Because I want to have a blog, and I clearly should, and you can't stop me!